Glass Splinters in my Feet and Sutures in my Mouth

I had my wisdom teeth removed in 2010, on the Monday after my Birthday celebration. In a drugged up haze post-op, I sent this email out to my mates to fill them in on my experience and let them know I was ok. I’ve left the punctuation and grammatical errors to make it feel more authentic and to portray the crazy that was me… Enjoy!

WOW… sounds like an awesome porno, and I’m sorry to bust your bubbles, but that subject was all about ME! LOL

Just wanted to say thanks to all you sexy bitches for making my bday so special! I had an awesome time!

drunken birthdayEddie and I ended up going to Cool Runnings in Hatfield around 22:00 to meet Nick and Ray, and after a whole day of wearing those hot ass shoes my knees caved in and I fell flat on my face after three successive tequila shots with each boy at the bar! *pukes blood in mouth*. At this point they were all kind enough to drag my drunk ass to a table with a red square and put my shoes in my bag “No worries hunny, this is HATFIELD, no one is sober enough or cares enough if you’re barefoot!” So i wondered around CR barefoot and I think that’s where i got the splinters LMAO fok… so much for distinction on your bday! Although Eddie did insist i put my shoes back on when we walked back to the car, lol and thank goodness i was able to stumble out of there in them because he was threatening to carry me on his back if i didn’t put my shoes on! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH shit…

Anyways yesterday was quite an experience for me, I’ve never had a filling or any foreign objects in my mouth (ok that’s not entirely true… any foreign MEDICAL objects in my mouth!), so as you can imagine i was nervous as shit. We checked in to hospital at 6am, found my ward, and Jeff took Ty to school while the nurses asked me all the obligatory questions, “how much do you weigh?”, “what is your height?”, “do you smoke?” , “when was the last time you got shit faced?” etc. They insist that this is all information for the aneathetist, but then why did i have to fill this exact form in already at the admissions desk fifteen minutes ago? I think they are just digging up as much dirt on every patient so that they can silently judge you as you are wheeled passed their obnoxious little nurse’s station to theatre. then if you peg under the knife they have a compelling story for the papers “oh she seemed lucid enough when she came in, but i could tell she’d just spent the weekend crawling around hatfield on her hands and knees, that’s where the glass came from you know. And what probably had the adverse effect with the aneasthetic, drinking and crack, and not the kind you smoke.” DON’T JUDGE ME!!!

Nurse asking questions

“Don’t worry sugar, you can trust me, now… how many body shots did you say you did this weekend?”

Jeff got back just in time to walk next to me into theatre, we hung around for a while waiting for the doctor, who Jeff has decided is gay! LOL I was pretty relieved at that because at least it meant that the only foreign objects that would be going in my mouth while i was incapacitated would be medical! So the last thing i remember is the pretty little aneathetists assistant putting the gas mask over my face, and after 6 inhalations her telling me to “breathe deeper” (i was nervous ok!), and after two more inhales my fanny got super f*ckin itchy, and the last thing i did before i was completely knocked out was reach down and have a good old NOT SO SUBTLE scratch!!!!!!!!!! This one’s for you Nurse Paulina!!!!!

The next few hours are a blur, i remember looking at the clock when i was wheeled back into the ward (to check that no less than an hour had passed in theatre as that was how long i was covered for, and thankfully, the whole ordeal had only lasted 45minutes!), hearing the physio’s voice while her and jeff chatted about post operative care, opening my eyes to see Jeff sitting next to my bed reading a book, and then hearing the nurse tell Jeff that we can go whenever I’m ready as the Dr had cleared me. At this i opened my eyes and checked the time, it was 11:20am and I had to get outta there before 12! Once again I was only covered for a half day stay in hospital! So I made Jeff call the nurse and sign the discharge papers and I was outta there!

"Fresh Meat Boys!!!!"

“Fresh Meat Boys!!!!”

On the way out we bumped into Jade and Olivia, they were seeing the paed about getting Olivia’s tonsils removed! I musta looked a right sight coz Jade was like what the HELL HAPPENED TO YOU!?!??! Only after the explanation did she offer that “actually the swelling wasn’t that bad!” which i must admit, it hasn’t been. I walked out of that hospital which an itchy fanny, a swollen face and glass splinters in my feet, similar I’m sure to the prozzies who walked off the ship with Jan van Riebeek and the boys in 1652 after having had to endure drunken sailors experimenting with bottles and non-medical foreign objects to cure the boredom on the high seas!

We got home and Jeff forced a few spoons of yoghurt down my gullet before administering my anti-biotics, anti-inflammatories, painkillers and mouth wash. He has been very good about making sure that I fill my belly, or at least try to, before taking any meds. For dinner last night he made me mash potato and butternut with a half a spoon of bovril, sounds weird but damn it was good! i managed to slug down a whole bowl! then this morning he made me mushed banana and avo for breakfast. What a man, what a legend!

Husband Hero

The Jeffsta really was my hero that week!

I have been OK, just stiff and swollen pretty sore. My spirits are high though which helps. Yesterday was a blur as I was pretty zonked from the anaesthetic until I would say four o clock this morning so the pain was all right. BUT THIS MORNING!!!!!! argh!! Last night at dinner i was drinking an ice cold glass of water and i think some of the water got into one of the cuts, and with all those nerve endings down there I nearly fucken ate my own hand off right there and then. but so as not to alarm the boys, especially Tyler, I calmly put my glass down on the table and went to the main bedroom’s bathroom and clung onto the sink for dear life while emitting this guttural howl as I couldn’t open my mouth to scream or cry because the movement required to do any of that is just beyond me at the moment and too painful to bear. Jeff swooped in, put me in bed with an ice pack and painkillers and told Tyler to hold my hand and say goodnight, because i had a big eina. after that I slept til four this morning, and was awoken by the pain. Jeff once again went to get me an ice pack, a small glass of milk to drink the painkillers with, then put up with my tossing and turning until 6 o clock when his alarm went off and he had to do the school run with Tyler! shame, what a gem! Speaking of which, that’s what he’s making me for dinner tonight! LOL

I also seem to have lost all feeling on my chin, the specialist did warn me about this, as the root was wrapped around the nerve that runs along your lower jaw. He was also kind enough to remind me that seeing as I am not 16 any more, it could take up to nine months to regain feeling again, so it looks like my slurring might continue longer than anticipated! * i could make another reference to whores on ships but the painkillers are starting to kick in and cloud my mind so I’m leaving this up to your imaginations! *

The good thing is, i am finally able to breathe through my nose, I haven’t had such clear sinuses since before Tyler was born! Even though the pain is considerably worse today, I am glad the effects of the anaesthetic has worn off and I am confident that I’ll be able to attend my seminar on Thursday, albeit with a swollen face and unable to ask questions. I’ll just write them down and force Romaana to ask them! he ehehehehehe
The dissolvable sutures are annoying coz they keep scratching and I’m terrified of biting them out by accident. I have stopped getting so much blood in my mouth which is a good thing, and the strangest feeling is that my front bottom and top teeth hurt like hell. Its like they are moving back into the position they were in before the four selfish, dick head wisdom’s decided to push them outta the way!

Wisdom Teeth

Yup, that pretty much sums up what happened

I am looking forward to, after this, having a straighter smile, no sinus issues, no more tension headaches, no more run down immune system type illnesses, and hopefully more defined cheek bones!

Like Walt Disney once said:

“All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me… You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.”