Glass Splinters in my Feet and Sutures in my Mouth

I had my wisdom teeth removed in 2010, on the Monday after my Birthday celebration. In a drugged up haze post-op, I sent this email out to my mates to fill them in on my experience and let them know I was ok. I’ve left the punctuation and grammatical errors to make it feel more authentic and to portray the crazy that was me… Enjoy!

WOW… sounds like an awesome porno, and I’m sorry to bust your bubbles, but that subject was all about ME! LOL

Just wanted to say thanks to all you sexy bitches for making my bday so special! I had an awesome time!

drunken birthdayEddie and I ended up going to Cool Runnings in Hatfield around 22:00 to meet Nick and Ray, and after a whole day of wearing those hot ass shoes my knees caved in and I fell flat on my face after three successive tequila shots with each boy at the bar! *pukes blood in mouth*. At this point they were all kind enough to drag my drunk ass to a table with a red square and put my shoes in my bag “No worries hunny, this is HATFIELD, no one is sober enough or cares enough if you’re barefoot!” So i wondered around CR barefoot and I think that’s where i got the splinters LMAO fok… so much for distinction on your bday! Although Eddie did insist i put my shoes back on when we walked back to the car, lol and thank goodness i was able to stumble out of there in them because he was threatening to carry me on his back if i didn’t put my shoes on! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH shit…

Anyways yesterday was quite an experience for me, I’ve never had a filling or any foreign objects in my mouth (ok that’s not entirely true… any foreign MEDICAL objects in my mouth!), so as you can imagine i was nervous as shit. We checked in to hospital at 6am, found my ward, and Jeff took Ty to school while the nurses asked me all the obligatory questions, “how much do you weigh?”, “what is your height?”, “do you smoke?” , “when was the last time you got shit faced?” etc. They insist that this is all information for the aneathetist, but then why did i have to fill this exact form in already at the admissions desk fifteen minutes ago? I think they are just digging up as much dirt on every patient so that they can silently judge you as you are wheeled passed their obnoxious little nurse’s station to theatre. then if you peg under the knife they have a compelling story for the papers “oh she seemed lucid enough when she came in, but i could tell she’d just spent the weekend crawling around hatfield on her hands and knees, that’s where the glass came from you know. And what probably had the adverse effect with the aneasthetic, drinking and crack, and not the kind you smoke.” DON’T JUDGE ME!!!

Nurse asking questions

“Don’t worry sugar, you can trust me, now… how many body shots did you say you did this weekend?”

Jeff got back just in time to walk next to me into theatre, we hung around for a while waiting for the doctor, who Jeff has decided is gay! LOL I was pretty relieved at that because at least it meant that the only foreign objects that would be going in my mouth while i was incapacitated would be medical! So the last thing i remember is the pretty little aneathetists assistant putting the gas mask over my face, and after 6 inhalations her telling me to “breathe deeper” (i was nervous ok!), and after two more inhales my fanny got super f*ckin itchy, and the last thing i did before i was completely knocked out was reach down and have a good old NOT SO SUBTLE scratch!!!!!!!!!! This one’s for you Nurse Paulina!!!!!

The next few hours are a blur, i remember looking at the clock when i was wheeled back into the ward (to check that no less than an hour had passed in theatre as that was how long i was covered for, and thankfully, the whole ordeal had only lasted 45minutes!), hearing the physio’s voice while her and jeff chatted about post operative care, opening my eyes to see Jeff sitting next to my bed reading a book, and then hearing the nurse tell Jeff that we can go whenever I’m ready as the Dr had cleared me. At this i opened my eyes and checked the time, it was 11:20am and I had to get outta there before 12! Once again I was only covered for a half day stay in hospital! So I made Jeff call the nurse and sign the discharge papers and I was outta there!

"Fresh Meat Boys!!!!"

“Fresh Meat Boys!!!!”

On the way out we bumped into Jade and Olivia, they were seeing the paed about getting Olivia’s tonsils removed! I musta looked a right sight coz Jade was like what the HELL HAPPENED TO YOU!?!??! Only after the explanation did she offer that “actually the swelling wasn’t that bad!” which i must admit, it hasn’t been. I walked out of that hospital which an itchy fanny, a swollen face and glass splinters in my feet, similar I’m sure to the prozzies who walked off the ship with Jan van Riebeek and the boys in 1652 after having had to endure drunken sailors experimenting with bottles and non-medical foreign objects to cure the boredom on the high seas!

We got home and Jeff forced a few spoons of yoghurt down my gullet before administering my anti-biotics, anti-inflammatories, painkillers and mouth wash. He has been very good about making sure that I fill my belly, or at least try to, before taking any meds. For dinner last night he made me mash potato and butternut with a half a spoon of bovril, sounds weird but damn it was good! i managed to slug down a whole bowl! then this morning he made me mushed banana and avo for breakfast. What a man, what a legend!

Husband Hero

The Jeffsta really was my hero that week!

I have been OK, just stiff and swollen pretty sore. My spirits are high though which helps. Yesterday was a blur as I was pretty zonked from the anaesthetic until I would say four o clock this morning so the pain was all right. BUT THIS MORNING!!!!!! argh!! Last night at dinner i was drinking an ice cold glass of water and i think some of the water got into one of the cuts, and with all those nerve endings down there I nearly fucken ate my own hand off right there and then. but so as not to alarm the boys, especially Tyler, I calmly put my glass down on the table and went to the main bedroom’s bathroom and clung onto the sink for dear life while emitting this guttural howl as I couldn’t open my mouth to scream or cry because the movement required to do any of that is just beyond me at the moment and too painful to bear. Jeff swooped in, put me in bed with an ice pack and painkillers and told Tyler to hold my hand and say goodnight, because i had a big eina. after that I slept til four this morning, and was awoken by the pain. Jeff once again went to get me an ice pack, a small glass of milk to drink the painkillers with, then put up with my tossing and turning until 6 o clock when his alarm went off and he had to do the school run with Tyler! shame, what a gem! Speaking of which, that’s what he’s making me for dinner tonight! LOL

I also seem to have lost all feeling on my chin, the specialist did warn me about this, as the root was wrapped around the nerve that runs along your lower jaw. He was also kind enough to remind me that seeing as I am not 16 any more, it could take up to nine months to regain feeling again, so it looks like my slurring might continue longer than anticipated! * i could make another reference to whores on ships but the painkillers are starting to kick in and cloud my mind so I’m leaving this up to your imaginations! *

The good thing is, i am finally able to breathe through my nose, I haven’t had such clear sinuses since before Tyler was born! Even though the pain is considerably worse today, I am glad the effects of the anaesthetic has worn off and I am confident that I’ll be able to attend my seminar on Thursday, albeit with a swollen face and unable to ask questions. I’ll just write them down and force Romaana to ask them! he ehehehehehe
The dissolvable sutures are annoying coz they keep scratching and I’m terrified of biting them out by accident. I have stopped getting so much blood in my mouth which is a good thing, and the strangest feeling is that my front bottom and top teeth hurt like hell. Its like they are moving back into the position they were in before the four selfish, dick head wisdom’s decided to push them outta the way!

Wisdom Teeth

Yup, that pretty much sums up what happened

I am looking forward to, after this, having a straighter smile, no sinus issues, no more tension headaches, no more run down immune system type illnesses, and hopefully more defined cheek bones!

Like Walt Disney once said:

“All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me… You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.”

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Getting back into a Bikini after having a Baby

I’m majoring in Trophy Wife, with a minor in Milf

Ok… so… yes… I know. I had a baby almost 7 years ago… but I am still way too self conscious to get into a bikini. I have stretch marks in unsightly places, and given my hormonal raging the last year or so, I now resemble a close relative of the Michelin Man. So I feel it is incredibly unfair and selfish of me to subject others to the disgusting site of my flabby bod jammed into a string bikini. YUCK!

Fat brazilian woman

If you want ma booody, and you think I’m seeeeexy, come on suga let me know

Granted there have been times in the last 7 years when I’ve looked fantastic, but mostly, that was mid-winter when there was no one around but Jeffsta to witness it. And let’s be honest, he is SUPPOSED to say I’m a hot piece of ass. It’s part of the requirements of being an amazing, loving and supportive husband. Another requirement, is to tell your wife when she’s better than what she has become. Which he so eloquently did at dinner the other night.

Jeffsta was going away for a few days, so he took Tyler and I out for dinner. When I went to the loo halfway through the evening, as I was washing my hands in the mirror, I realised I had grease spots down the bottom half of my top. I was shocked and disgusted til I looked up in the mirror, and realised “Meh, as a fat girl, those stains look like they should be there. It would be wrong and out of place if they weren’t!”. I rinsed them out the best I could and when I got back to the table with a sopping wet top, and Jeff’s quizzical look, I calmly explained “It’s ok, I’m fat now, this is how I look”. To which he replied “Oh no, have you gotten used to being fat?!”

At first, I was hurt. I mean, I am allowed to call myself whatever I like. But my husband is supposed to always love me, and think I’m beautiful no matter what! It was in that moment that I realised, I have a responsibility to myself AND my husband to look and feel good about myself. It doesn’t matter if I’m larger than I have been EVER, as long as I still take pride in my appearance and make an effort, that is all I need to do. But as soon as I get comfortable living and looking this way, then not only have I let myself down, but him to. That was when I decided that it doesn’t matter whether my weight gain is hormone related, I need to start exercising again. Because even if I stay this weight, if I am fit and healthy, then I will feel good about myself because I am at least trying, and THAT will make all the difference. After a life lived in the pursuit of being skinny, I have, after all my health issues this year, decided that I do not want to be thin. I want to be healthy, and fit, because:

Exercise motivation quotes

and let’s be honest, who wants to spend the rest of their lives with someone who doesn’t give a sh*t?! The perfect man/woman/partner is one who will compliment you when they need to to lift your spirits, and will tell you to get a grip and get over yourself before it’s too late. Just like that saying, “How can anyone love you if you don’t love yourself?”, – how can you expect anyone to be proud to have you if you take no pride in yourself?

Overly Obsessed Girlfriend - Ally McBeal

Sure you do, and there’s a reason you’re called “Overly Obsessed GF”

So to all those women who grew up admiring Ally McBeal, who taught you that you should wait for the man who thinks you’re perfect no matter what you look/act like, and that if things get tough, just adjust your hemlines – GROW UP! Everything that little anno moron said was total rubbish. She had NO idea. Step up, face your faults ( we all have them so please don’t fool yourself into thinking that you’re perfect and everyone else is somehow wrong or stupid ), and do something about it. Crying and whinging into your drink every night at a bar is not going to get you anywhere, except maybe onto the list of people who aren’t invited to parties anymore list because they’re too annoying and draining to tolerate.

So, come along on this journey of self-acceptance and love with me. I ran my first 4km last night since January, and guess what, I didn’t die! It felt great, even though my time was so shocking I will never publish it. Nontheless, I am doing something about it, and I will struggle through, can you say that you are willing to do the same?

Getting your kids to help with chores

After years of saving and living on top of a landfill, we finally saved enough money to get our garden landscaped and suitable for human use. It took ten days, 14 bags of cement and 110m2 of instant lawn but we finally got the garden we always knew it could be! We’ve had picnics and drunken afternoons lounging on the grass, it really has been the best improvement we’ve made to our house. But with all my health ups and downs lately, we’ve stopped watering it as often as we were. Now you might be wondering how unbalanced hormones might influence the frequency with which you water your lawn, but believe me, when you’re spending the better part of your Friday afternoon in the emergency room being tested for stroke and heart attack, the garden moves down to the bottom of your priority list for the rest of the weekend.

aging cartoon

Kind of like an over ripe banana

Don’t panic, it was neither a stroke nor a heart attack. It was a migraine combined with a tension headache. So I had migraine symptoms, along with the left hand side of my body from the top of my head to my knee going numb. Scariest. thing. EVER! All blood tests came back clear for infection, and of course all dangerous scenarios were ruled out. So I have been prescribed some schedule 9 376 486 338 587 painkillers and muscle relaxants so that it hopefully never happens again. Ah the joys of getting old.

During a lucid moment on Sunday, I realised that we have been letting a few things slide because we’re basically exhausted from all the other crap we have to deal with on a daily basis. Nevermind the fact that all three of us now have a cold… Anyway, my solution to it was to create a chore chart. For all three of us. I told the boys that seeing as Tyler is SO big now, and that he’s going to be going to Grade 1 next year, it is WAY past time that he started helping out more at home and being rewarded for his efforts. We employed the use of a “Naughty or Nice” chart when he was going through his terrible tantrum stage and it worked like a charm. It basically taught him that it was better to take a breath and speak nicely to Mommy and Daddy instead of acting like a complete depraved animal when he didn’t get his way. The exercise taught us all to be more patient with each other, we are all just human after all!

Chore Chart

You really can find ANYTHING on the interwebs

The Chore Chart is basically an extension or upgrade of the Naughty or Nice chart. But we are all on it. So I have my chores, the Jeffersonian has his and Tyler has his. It is broken up into days of the week and split between the three of us. At the end of every day we tick off our completed chores, and if they’re all done we each get a smiley face, if you didn’t complete yours your spot remains blank. I wanted to have all three of us on the chart to show Ty that chores are not a form of punishment, rather that we are all working together to make our home lovely. There are rewards for 5 smiley faces in a row, and for 10 smilies we get to go out for dinner – CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!! What a treat! (Mostly for me hahaha!) But the best part, one of Tyler’s chores is to water the garden! So basically it’s a win win for me, I get some help around the house AND ensure my new garden stays healthy and hydrated. I mean, what is the point of having children if you can’t make them do shit for you!?!??! And hopefully I can teach my son something about responsibility and taking pride in where he lives in the process.

Teaching Children Respect Meme

I know a couple of grown-ass people whose parents should’ve been told this…

I am Tyler’s RAGING Mother

So I was begging Jeffsta to help me with a topic this morning, but oh boy, I should have known. As long as there are stupid people on this planet I will always have plenty to talk about! I have a couple of pet peeves, namely (and in no particular order, they are all just as equally off pissing as the next):

  • Racism
  • Ignorance
  • Busy bodies who want to always know your business
  • People who do charitable things for the wrong reasons
  • Yorkies
  • and of course, IDIOTS WHO DON’T SECURE THEIR CHILDREN IN CARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess which of these I experienced on my way to work?!?!?!!? Here’s a picture of the stupid cow and her poor, poor child who’s well-being she obviously cares nothing about:

Irresponsible Parent with kid in car

If you know this woman, please rescue her child and bring him to me post haste!!

I. I Just. I. I don’t even know where to start!!!!!

I hate seeing kids standing between the front seats while their parents are talking on their phones, smoking and “driving”. But THIS… wow. I hate it when dogs are allowed to lounge on the backboards. I can understand why you’d let your Yorkie lounge on the backboard and “accidentally” slam on brakes every now and then in the hope that little thing turns into a fluff ball missile. But your CHILD!??! YOUR OWN CHILD?!?!!??! That you spent 9 months (technically 10) growing inside of you, who you loved even  before you met??? That one human being that you would sacrifice your life for if it would save them?? I just don’t understand why we don’t have an exam that people need to pass before they’re allowed to pro-create. Because THIS WOMAN:

Irresponsible Parent with kid in car

She would’ve definitely failed the “Are you fit to raise another human being?” test

should not have been allowed to have any in the first place!

Adoption is SUCH a lengthy and exhaustive process. Every bit of your personality, marriage and physical health is scrutinized and put on  public display for all to judge. Your values, your morals even what others think of you! Why? Because you are going to be responsible for the upbringing, caring and moulding of another human being! It should be the same for people who want to have biological children as well!

Now before you spew about “Why did you have your phone ready? You shouldn’t be fiddling with your phone while you drive!”. Yes I know that. And no I didn’t “have it ready”. I was following this woman for a couple of blocks, and when we stopped at the robots, I had to reach for my bag and rip it out. I do not call/text while I drive. People get annoyed because I refuse to answer messages or calls while I’m driving. It still surprises me the surprise in people’s voices when my answer to “where have you been?” is “I was driving!” Anyway, I’ve gone off topic.

Common sense says that if your child is not strapped in when you have an accident, they will turn into a “child missile” and just torpedo straight out through whichever window is nearest and be smeared all over the road. Tyler is still using his Booster Seat. First of all, he is a little kid. It is MY JOB to make sure that he is safe and protected at all times. Secondly, he does NOT dictate to me how we travel. He has always known, you can cry all you like. Spit and throw things, I don’t care, you WILL be strapped in. Tough luck buddy. “Oh I just didn’t feel like fighting” is not a good excuse in this case, and will not fly with me. Sure there are times when you pick your battles with your kids, but it should never, EVER be when it comes to the matter of their safety. Be an adult. Use your brain. Think of your child, instead of having an “easy” morning with them, teach them to be responsible and show them that you believe in what you say. They will end up respecting you more for it.

 

I am what I am

Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don’t judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.

– Madonna Ciccone

 

Beagle Sorry Face

If only I was this cute

Eek! I have to apologise, it’s been a while. I blame the hormones. Honestly. I was booked off the whole of last week because the hormone replacement therapy I have been on rendered me completely useless. You try writing an article while you’re suffering from a 10 day migraine, complete with nausea and shakes. It was like the worst, unforgiving, unrelenting morning sickness I have ever had. Without the payoff of knowing that in 9 months it will all be worth it when you see your baby’s gorgeous, alien shaped face. Believe me, the only baby I have in my belly is a food baby. As the Jeffsta so lovingly told me though, that’s no excuse for neglecting your blog. I should’ve had a post lined up in case of an emergency. So I do apologise, wholeheartedly (dripping with sarcasm) for not planning ahead. I promise it will never happen again.

So anyway, this whole week has made me realise that one very important part of a successful marriage is having a partner who will humour you no matter what the problem is. It is very difficult for any man to understand what it is like for a woman when she’s feeling hormonal. In my case, thankfully, there was physical evidence in the form of spew, magical carrots and all, that I wasn’t upto the task of mothering, wifing and just general human interaction on any level. But what do you do when you’ve just got a case of the “weepies” or you’re “raging” for no apparent reason? How is your partner/child/friend supposed to respond to the mania?

crazy women

We need to start spreading our crazy around, or we will be swallowed up by it

Well, it’s hard to say. Sometimes I prefer that the Jeffsta tells me I’m acting like a moron and other times I want him to cuddle me and feed me chocolate. It just depends on the mood I guess. It’s hard on the kids as well. Poor Ty has had to learn at a very early age how to circumvent my many, unpredictable mood swings. Of course, outsiders only see me playing the part of the happy, friendly and insanely witty hot piece of ass that I am, but at home it is often a lucky draw.  We are so used to emulating the perfect image to our friends and family. For fear of being judged as not good enough. But I think we need to start embracing the fact that we are not perfect, and our imperfections are what make us human. And they are what make others love us, for who we are.

So the next time you find you are holding in a tantrum, or a LOL, just let it out! It is much healthier to face your emotions head on. It makes dealing with them easier, for you and for your nearest and dearest. In conclusion, I’d like to say:

I am what I am

I am not perfect.
I cry.
I flap.
I scream.
I shout.
I laugh.
I sulk.
I love.
I smother.
I dote.
I am me.
I love me.

Giving up on the dream

What do you do when you can’t run that marathon you’ve been training for because you lose your legs in a terrible car accident? Do you compete in a wheelchair or do you just change direction completely and learn a new skill like playing the guitar? Who knows, you could turn out to be the next Jimi Hendrix. We can’t always get what we want. And sometimes, no matter how hard we work, the universe will prevent us from reaching that goal we’ve been working towards to test our strength to the limit. That’s life right? So what do we do when that happens? How do we cope? Do we a) give up b) find another way to get there or c) work with what we have left to achieve a different goal?

I’m not sure actually. To be honest, it’s hard to stay positive 100% of the time. Harder still when your circumstances are unique to you. You can confide in, cry to or shout at your partner, friends or family (or all of them) as much as you like. You will still feel alone.

Ovarian failure

Thank you Douchebag Uterus!

We recently discovered that I have premature ovulation failure. It sounds like some sort of mechanical problem my Peugeot experienced a couple months back. But basically, I’ve stopped ovulating and have been experiencing menopausal symptoms like hot flushes (dear god I’ll never tease you again Mom!), major mood swings, massive weight gain, migraines, nausea, high blood pressure and just all round misery. Hahahaha! God I sound like such a whiney cow. Anyway I’m on hormone replacement therapy now to try and kick start the ovaries and postpone any further premature decline into the dreaded “change”. My problem is the treatment is making me feel worse! It’s scary to think that my body has been so deprived of estrogen for so long that even the slightest increase renders me useless for about two days at a time.

In the meantime, I’ve had to deal with the emotional fallout of pretty much no longer being able to fulfill the only biological function I was bred for. Yes, yes I know. I am so lucky already. I have the most amazing little miracle boy and a wonderful hubby who loves me. And I am SO grateful for the boys and everything that they have brought into my life. But it still hurts. It’s a pretty psychologically draining thing to go through. I am a logical, rational person. I know that no longer being able to breed does not make me less of a woman/wife/mother. So why do I feel that way? I love and adore my son, yet I still feel this great sense of loss at never having a screaming match with my teenage daughter because she is dressed like a slag. Most days I am perfectly fine with not having to worry about getting knocked up again. It is a bit of a relief actually. I was NOT a happy pregnant person. It didn’t help that I am only 1,5m tall and put on the equivalent weight of a Fiat Uno. But I still feel cheated that I will not feel another life growing in my belly again.

images (1)

I am a control freak and I have no problem admitting that. I plan things WAY in advance. I have an app for everything. I can plan a six month project on my phone, while getting a bikini wax. But I don’t have an application or program that can help me deal with this. Is the reason that I have been finding this so hard because the choice has been taken away from me? Is that all that it is? If I had had an app that could schedule my menopause, that would have been ideal.

I guess what this experience has taught me, is cherish what you have NOW. Life really does happen while you’re making other plans. Stop thinking about how you’re going to travel the world when you’re thirty. That may never happen, leave now! Learn that language. Climb that mountain. Live your life. Don’t let it pass you by. You only get this one chance so don’t screw it up waiting for better days!

Despite all the dreariness of this post, there is a beacon of hope. My boobs have never been bigger or better!