We’re having a GIRL!!!!

Not flesh of my flesh, 
Nor bone of my bone,
But nevertheless still my own.
Never forget for a single minute
You weren’t born under my heart 
But in it.

So, those of you who have read my previous posts know that Tyler has won the prestigious spot of being our only biological child as my female parts have given up the good fight. As much as we love being the three musketeers, Jeff and I feel that one more child will complete our crazy little family. We always wanted to give Ty a sibling, seeing as we both come from families where we were blessed to have brothers (and sister’s in Jeff’s case). Sure, medical advances have made it possible to still have a biological child, through surrogacy and egg donors etc, but neither of us want to go that route. Why force it and cost ourselves years of financial and emotional strain when there are literally millions of children who have already been born, who are waiting for their “forever families”?

mother loves her childrenNaturally, and without any hesitation, we moved on to adoption. We have always spoken about it and agreed that we would rather adopt than go the medical turkey basting route. We so desperately want a sibling close in age for Tyler, and there are literally hundreds of thousands of children just waiting for a family and a home to love them. We met with an adoption facilitator a few weeks ago, who answered a lot of our questions, explained the process and put our minds at ease about a few things. We are still going to be attending a couple of initial “Adoption Discovery” and “Journey to Adoption” seminars where all the legalities, costs, pros, cons, hoops, hurdles and joys will be covered. They will be much more intensive than our inital, informal meeting was, but we are super excited to begin our journey. We are going to be attending these with other prospective Adoptive parents so we have the opportunity to make friends and form a support group with people who are going through the same thing as us so that we won’t be alone.

Obviously, we have discussed important things like age, race, learning / physical disabilities and HIV Status, and we feel that the perfect addition to our family would be a little girl, any race, preferably around 4 years old who is HIV Negative with no physical / mental disabilities. Mostly because we can’t afford to support a disabled child financially and more than likely, emotionally. We are ok with what is known as “learning difficulties” such as ADD or ADHD (please all children are either super hyper or just disinterested in their parents!). We have briefly broached the topic with Ty, and he is SO excited, he doesn’t care if she is “brown” or that she won’t come from my tummy. He just wants to go and “rescue” her from an orphanage NOW! He has even offered to help us get her “princess” room ready, because “she will need special love and care, after waiting so long for us to love her” *tear.

I knew I loved you before I met you

Never have these lyrics made more sense to me, or been more relevant

We are not under the romantic impression that this will be easy, or that it will be a fairytale story. This decision, although the natural choice, has not been easy. But it is something we feel very passionately about, and we can’t wait to find and bring our daughter home.There are going to be ups and downs, hurry up and waits, tears of joy and frustration, celebrations and tantrums (mostly mine). But this is a road we are willing and eager to take. We would give and sacrifice anything for Tyler, so why not for our daughter? Just because she is not biologically ours does not mean that she is not OURS. I love her already, forever and always.

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Honour thy Father

Leading upto Fathers Day this Sunday, June 16 2013, I had a very interesting discussion with two of my male colleagues about why they think we shouldn’t have a day dedicated to honouring our Fathers. But first, here’s a little bit of interesting history on how and where Father’s Day began…

Father’s Day was founded in Spokane, Washington at the YMCA in 1910 by Sonora Smart Dodd, who was born in Arkansas.Its first celebration was in the Spokane YMCA on June 19, 1910.Her father, the Civil War veteran William Jackson Smart, was a single parent who raised his six children there.After hearing a sermon about Jarvis’ Mother’s Day in 1909, she told her pastor that fathers should have a similar holiday honoring them. Although she initially suggested June 5, her father’s birthday, the pastors did not have enough time to prepare their sermons, and the celebration was deferred to the third Sunday of June.

It did not have much success initially. In the 1920s, Dodd stopped promoting the celebration because she was studying in the Art Institute of Chicago, and it faded into relative obscurity, even in Spokane. In the 1930s Dodd returned to Spokane and started promoting the celebration again, raising awareness at a national level. She had the help of those trade groups that would benefit most from the holiday, for example the manufacturers of ties, tobacco pipes, and any traditional present to fathers. Since 1938 she had the help of the Father’s Day Council, founded by the New York Associated Men’s Wear Retailers to consolidate and systematize the commercial promotion. Americans resisted the holiday during a few decades, perceiving it as just an attempt by merchants to replicate the commercial success of Mother’s Day, and newspapers frequently featured cynical and sarcastic attacks and jokes. But the trade groups did not give up: they kept promoting it and even incorporated the jokes into their adverts, and they eventually succeeded. By the mid 1980s the Father’s Council wrote that “(…) [Father’s Day] has become a ‘Second Christmas’ for all the men’s gift-oriented industries.”

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Father’s_Day

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So Tshepo, my fabulously talented User Experience Consultant, said something interesting to me this morning. “I don’t need to get cookies for doing something I’m supposed to do anyway.” After having a good laugh, I told him that perhaps when he had children he may feel differently (note: he’s 23). He doesn’t think so. I then asked him if he felt the same way about Mothers Day that he does about Fathers Day. And HE DOES NOT! He says Valentines and Mothers Day are ok by him, because it’s good to spoil women every now and then… !?!?!?!? I then called Michael (UI Visual Designer) over to ask him if he felt the same way… and he AGREED!

Both young men think that it’s a man’s duty to be a provider, a strong influence and a stoic paternal figure rather than a soft and squishy, emotional man who weeps at the arrival of Best and Brightest’s first tooth or solid poo. In their opinions, men should be strong and distant. They shouldn’t be showered with gifts and appreciation. But it’s ok to do that for women, because women are “cool”… hahahahaha! Now before all the feminists get on their high horses (fitted with all sorts of self pleasuring paraphernalia), I think this is merely just a cultural difference.

There’s a (Jewish?) proverb that goes “When a father gives to a son, both laugh. When a son gives to a father, both cry”. Tshepo has interpreted this to mean that it is not a son’s place to give to his father, that this somehow, wounds the father. Where what I take away from the quote, is that it is a beautiful and touching thing when a son can give to his father – be it a gift, or support (financial and/or emotional). Isn’t it interesting and amazing how different we all are? Now, another point I need to make here, is that Tshepo and Michael don’t think that you shouldn’t honor your father, but that you should do it out of your own accord. Not because someone or some holiday told you to. And you should do it in other ways besides buying him gifts or making him “cookies”. Which I am 100% in agreement with.

my hero my father

Me and my Daddy! Always having too much fun together 😉

My father comes from a generation of men who had to leave their families behind, whether it was because they were in the army or they were sent out on contract work to remote areas of the African continent. They did this because it was how they made enough money to be able to afford to clothe and educate us all. We didn’t see him much because he was always working, and although I’m sure we all have our regrets about how distant we were as a family back then, our bond now is stronger than ever. And we are all in contact at least three times daily, sharing experiences, jokes and insults about the ignoramuses we are forced to deal with on a daily basis. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Since having my own child, I understand the sacrifices a parent makes for their children. Even if it’s the hardest thing in the world to do, if it is for the benefit of your family, you do it. You find a way to make it work. And to be honest, I’m so thankful that this was how I grew up. I got to travel to places and experience things people double my age haven’t and probably will never have the opportunity to. Travel and experience is the ultimate education and lesson in life experience. As you all know (well if you don’t you’ll hear it here), Jeff also didn’t have the easiest introduction to Fatherhood in the world. He was 20 when I announced that I was preggers. I swear to this day, I have never seen a person break out into a total full body sweat faster than the poor boy did that evening. It was immediate green, sweat and weakness at the knees. His parents flew him back home to Uganda post haste, so that he could make a clear headed decision about his future. When he left I was still in my first trimester, when he came back, I was seven months pregnant.

Father and Son

How lucky am I!? My gorgeous boys, exchanging a naughty look.

He still had to study, and juggled working as a waiter while trying to pass first year. Obviously this didn’t work, but as soon as he made enough money to be able to afford to buy a cot he handed in his resignation and concentrated on getting his degree. He did not immediately move in with Tyler and I, as he had to focus on his studies and his parents were only going to pay for him to study a degree once. So he only saw the baby and I on Wednesday nights or weekends. He doesn’t remember the nightmare of teething the way I do, because he was only there for half of it. Despite the upside down nature of our little family relationship, Jeff was always a natural at being a father. He instinctively knew what to do with this squirming bag of snakes before I ever did. He was an amazing pillar of support, strength and patience when I needed it most. Because I was used to my dad being away, I wrapped my head around having a part-time partner quite quickly and we slipped into an easy and comfortable routine. Sure it wasn’t always rainbows and unicorn farts, but we knew we wanted to do this thing right. So that’s what we did.

Six (nearly SEVEN!!) years later, we are married, living together and enjoying the mundane life of an ordinary family. Yet he is still the most amazing, patient, loving, joyful and caring Father that I could have ever asked for for my child. He is my hero, just like my Father was before him. And I know my Dad is proud and confident to hand the baton that symbolises the caring and loving of his daughter and grandson over to Jeff. I am proud to call him my husband, and Tyler is blessed to call him Dad.

So on this soppy note, I’d like to say, that whether or not you celebrate or believe in the Hallmark holiday that is Fathers Day, take the time one day to thank that special man. Whether it be your biological/adopted/step father, or even just the first male role model you had in your life. They deserve it, for without them, we would literally not be here today.

Glass Splinters in my Feet and Sutures in my Mouth

I had my wisdom teeth removed in 2010, on the Monday after my Birthday celebration. In a drugged up haze post-op, I sent this email out to my mates to fill them in on my experience and let them know I was ok. I’ve left the punctuation and grammatical errors to make it feel more authentic and to portray the crazy that was me… Enjoy!

WOW… sounds like an awesome porno, and I’m sorry to bust your bubbles, but that subject was all about ME! LOL

Just wanted to say thanks to all you sexy bitches for making my bday so special! I had an awesome time!

drunken birthdayEddie and I ended up going to Cool Runnings in Hatfield around 22:00 to meet Nick and Ray, and after a whole day of wearing those hot ass shoes my knees caved in and I fell flat on my face after three successive tequila shots with each boy at the bar! *pukes blood in mouth*. At this point they were all kind enough to drag my drunk ass to a table with a red square and put my shoes in my bag “No worries hunny, this is HATFIELD, no one is sober enough or cares enough if you’re barefoot!” So i wondered around CR barefoot and I think that’s where i got the splinters LMAO fok… so much for distinction on your bday! Although Eddie did insist i put my shoes back on when we walked back to the car, lol and thank goodness i was able to stumble out of there in them because he was threatening to carry me on his back if i didn’t put my shoes on! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH shit…

Anyways yesterday was quite an experience for me, I’ve never had a filling or any foreign objects in my mouth (ok that’s not entirely true… any foreign MEDICAL objects in my mouth!), so as you can imagine i was nervous as shit. We checked in to hospital at 6am, found my ward, and Jeff took Ty to school while the nurses asked me all the obligatory questions, “how much do you weigh?”, “what is your height?”, “do you smoke?” , “when was the last time you got shit faced?” etc. They insist that this is all information for the aneathetist, but then why did i have to fill this exact form in already at the admissions desk fifteen minutes ago? I think they are just digging up as much dirt on every patient so that they can silently judge you as you are wheeled passed their obnoxious little nurse’s station to theatre. then if you peg under the knife they have a compelling story for the papers “oh she seemed lucid enough when she came in, but i could tell she’d just spent the weekend crawling around hatfield on her hands and knees, that’s where the glass came from you know. And what probably had the adverse effect with the aneasthetic, drinking and crack, and not the kind you smoke.” DON’T JUDGE ME!!!

Nurse asking questions

“Don’t worry sugar, you can trust me, now… how many body shots did you say you did this weekend?”

Jeff got back just in time to walk next to me into theatre, we hung around for a while waiting for the doctor, who Jeff has decided is gay! LOL I was pretty relieved at that because at least it meant that the only foreign objects that would be going in my mouth while i was incapacitated would be medical! So the last thing i remember is the pretty little aneathetists assistant putting the gas mask over my face, and after 6 inhalations her telling me to “breathe deeper” (i was nervous ok!), and after two more inhales my fanny got super f*ckin itchy, and the last thing i did before i was completely knocked out was reach down and have a good old NOT SO SUBTLE scratch!!!!!!!!!! This one’s for you Nurse Paulina!!!!!

The next few hours are a blur, i remember looking at the clock when i was wheeled back into the ward (to check that no less than an hour had passed in theatre as that was how long i was covered for, and thankfully, the whole ordeal had only lasted 45minutes!), hearing the physio’s voice while her and jeff chatted about post operative care, opening my eyes to see Jeff sitting next to my bed reading a book, and then hearing the nurse tell Jeff that we can go whenever I’m ready as the Dr had cleared me. At this i opened my eyes and checked the time, it was 11:20am and I had to get outta there before 12! Once again I was only covered for a half day stay in hospital! So I made Jeff call the nurse and sign the discharge papers and I was outta there!

"Fresh Meat Boys!!!!"

“Fresh Meat Boys!!!!”

On the way out we bumped into Jade and Olivia, they were seeing the paed about getting Olivia’s tonsils removed! I musta looked a right sight coz Jade was like what the HELL HAPPENED TO YOU!?!??! Only after the explanation did she offer that “actually the swelling wasn’t that bad!” which i must admit, it hasn’t been. I walked out of that hospital which an itchy fanny, a swollen face and glass splinters in my feet, similar I’m sure to the prozzies who walked off the ship with Jan van Riebeek and the boys in 1652 after having had to endure drunken sailors experimenting with bottles and non-medical foreign objects to cure the boredom on the high seas!

We got home and Jeff forced a few spoons of yoghurt down my gullet before administering my anti-biotics, anti-inflammatories, painkillers and mouth wash. He has been very good about making sure that I fill my belly, or at least try to, before taking any meds. For dinner last night he made me mash potato and butternut with a half a spoon of bovril, sounds weird but damn it was good! i managed to slug down a whole bowl! then this morning he made me mushed banana and avo for breakfast. What a man, what a legend!

Husband Hero

The Jeffsta really was my hero that week!

I have been OK, just stiff and swollen pretty sore. My spirits are high though which helps. Yesterday was a blur as I was pretty zonked from the anaesthetic until I would say four o clock this morning so the pain was all right. BUT THIS MORNING!!!!!! argh!! Last night at dinner i was drinking an ice cold glass of water and i think some of the water got into one of the cuts, and with all those nerve endings down there I nearly fucken ate my own hand off right there and then. but so as not to alarm the boys, especially Tyler, I calmly put my glass down on the table and went to the main bedroom’s bathroom and clung onto the sink for dear life while emitting this guttural howl as I couldn’t open my mouth to scream or cry because the movement required to do any of that is just beyond me at the moment and too painful to bear. Jeff swooped in, put me in bed with an ice pack and painkillers and told Tyler to hold my hand and say goodnight, because i had a big eina. after that I slept til four this morning, and was awoken by the pain. Jeff once again went to get me an ice pack, a small glass of milk to drink the painkillers with, then put up with my tossing and turning until 6 o clock when his alarm went off and he had to do the school run with Tyler! shame, what a gem! Speaking of which, that’s what he’s making me for dinner tonight! LOL

I also seem to have lost all feeling on my chin, the specialist did warn me about this, as the root was wrapped around the nerve that runs along your lower jaw. He was also kind enough to remind me that seeing as I am not 16 any more, it could take up to nine months to regain feeling again, so it looks like my slurring might continue longer than anticipated! * i could make another reference to whores on ships but the painkillers are starting to kick in and cloud my mind so I’m leaving this up to your imaginations! *

The good thing is, i am finally able to breathe through my nose, I haven’t had such clear sinuses since before Tyler was born! Even though the pain is considerably worse today, I am glad the effects of the anaesthetic has worn off and I am confident that I’ll be able to attend my seminar on Thursday, albeit with a swollen face and unable to ask questions. I’ll just write them down and force Romaana to ask them! he ehehehehehe
The dissolvable sutures are annoying coz they keep scratching and I’m terrified of biting them out by accident. I have stopped getting so much blood in my mouth which is a good thing, and the strangest feeling is that my front bottom and top teeth hurt like hell. Its like they are moving back into the position they were in before the four selfish, dick head wisdom’s decided to push them outta the way!

Wisdom Teeth

Yup, that pretty much sums up what happened

I am looking forward to, after this, having a straighter smile, no sinus issues, no more tension headaches, no more run down immune system type illnesses, and hopefully more defined cheek bones!

Like Walt Disney once said:

“All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me… You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.”

Getting back into a Bikini after having a Baby

I’m majoring in Trophy Wife, with a minor in Milf

Ok… so… yes… I know. I had a baby almost 7 years ago… but I am still way too self conscious to get into a bikini. I have stretch marks in unsightly places, and given my hormonal raging the last year or so, I now resemble a close relative of the Michelin Man. So I feel it is incredibly unfair and selfish of me to subject others to the disgusting site of my flabby bod jammed into a string bikini. YUCK!

Fat brazilian woman

If you want ma booody, and you think I’m seeeeexy, come on suga let me know

Granted there have been times in the last 7 years when I’ve looked fantastic, but mostly, that was mid-winter when there was no one around but Jeffsta to witness it. And let’s be honest, he is SUPPOSED to say I’m a hot piece of ass. It’s part of the requirements of being an amazing, loving and supportive husband. Another requirement, is to tell your wife when she’s better than what she has become. Which he so eloquently did at dinner the other night.

Jeffsta was going away for a few days, so he took Tyler and I out for dinner. When I went to the loo halfway through the evening, as I was washing my hands in the mirror, I realised I had grease spots down the bottom half of my top. I was shocked and disgusted til I looked up in the mirror, and realised “Meh, as a fat girl, those stains look like they should be there. It would be wrong and out of place if they weren’t!”. I rinsed them out the best I could and when I got back to the table with a sopping wet top, and Jeff’s quizzical look, I calmly explained “It’s ok, I’m fat now, this is how I look”. To which he replied “Oh no, have you gotten used to being fat?!”

At first, I was hurt. I mean, I am allowed to call myself whatever I like. But my husband is supposed to always love me, and think I’m beautiful no matter what! It was in that moment that I realised, I have a responsibility to myself AND my husband to look and feel good about myself. It doesn’t matter if I’m larger than I have been EVER, as long as I still take pride in my appearance and make an effort, that is all I need to do. But as soon as I get comfortable living and looking this way, then not only have I let myself down, but him to. That was when I decided that it doesn’t matter whether my weight gain is hormone related, I need to start exercising again. Because even if I stay this weight, if I am fit and healthy, then I will feel good about myself because I am at least trying, and THAT will make all the difference. After a life lived in the pursuit of being skinny, I have, after all my health issues this year, decided that I do not want to be thin. I want to be healthy, and fit, because:

Exercise motivation quotes

and let’s be honest, who wants to spend the rest of their lives with someone who doesn’t give a sh*t?! The perfect man/woman/partner is one who will compliment you when they need to to lift your spirits, and will tell you to get a grip and get over yourself before it’s too late. Just like that saying, “How can anyone love you if you don’t love yourself?”, – how can you expect anyone to be proud to have you if you take no pride in yourself?

Overly Obsessed Girlfriend - Ally McBeal

Sure you do, and there’s a reason you’re called “Overly Obsessed GF”

So to all those women who grew up admiring Ally McBeal, who taught you that you should wait for the man who thinks you’re perfect no matter what you look/act like, and that if things get tough, just adjust your hemlines – GROW UP! Everything that little anno moron said was total rubbish. She had NO idea. Step up, face your faults ( we all have them so please don’t fool yourself into thinking that you’re perfect and everyone else is somehow wrong or stupid ), and do something about it. Crying and whinging into your drink every night at a bar is not going to get you anywhere, except maybe onto the list of people who aren’t invited to parties anymore list because they’re too annoying and draining to tolerate.

So, come along on this journey of self-acceptance and love with me. I ran my first 4km last night since January, and guess what, I didn’t die! It felt great, even though my time was so shocking I will never publish it. Nontheless, I am doing something about it, and I will struggle through, can you say that you are willing to do the same?