Getting your kids to help with chores

After years of saving and living on top of a landfill, we finally saved enough money to get our garden landscaped and suitable for human use. It took ten days, 14 bags of cement and 110m2 of instant lawn but we finally got the garden we always knew it could be! We’ve had picnics and drunken afternoons lounging on the grass, it really has been the best improvement we’ve made to our house. But with all my health ups and downs lately, we’ve stopped watering it as often as we were. Now you might be wondering how unbalanced hormones might influence the frequency with which you water your lawn, but believe me, when you’re spending the better part of your Friday afternoon in the emergency room being tested for stroke and heart attack, the garden moves down to the bottom of your priority list for the rest of the weekend.

aging cartoon

Kind of like an over ripe banana

Don’t panic, it was neither a stroke nor a heart attack. It was a migraine combined with a tension headache. So I had migraine symptoms, along with the left hand side of my body from the top of my head to my knee going numb. Scariest. thing. EVER! All blood tests came back clear for infection, and of course all dangerous scenarios were ruled out. So I have been prescribed some schedule 9 376 486 338 587 painkillers and muscle relaxants so that it hopefully never happens again. Ah the joys of getting old.

During a lucid moment on Sunday, I realised that we have been letting a few things slide because we’re basically exhausted from all the other crap we have to deal with on a daily basis. Nevermind the fact that all three of us now have a cold… Anyway, my solution to it was to create a chore chart. For all three of us. I told the boys that seeing as Tyler is SO big now, and that he’s going to be going to Grade 1 next year, it is WAY past time that he started helping out more at home and being rewarded for his efforts. We employed the use of a “Naughty or Nice” chart when he was going through his terrible tantrum stage and it worked like a charm. It basically taught him that it was better to take a breath and speak nicely to Mommy and Daddy instead of acting like a complete depraved animal when he didn’t get his way. The exercise taught us all to be more patient with each other, we are all just human after all!

Chore Chart

You really can find ANYTHING on the interwebs

The Chore Chart is basically an extension or upgrade of the Naughty or Nice chart. But we are all on it. So I have my chores, the Jeffersonian has his and Tyler has his. It is broken up into days of the week and split between the three of us. At the end of every day we tick off our completed chores, and if they’re all done we each get a smiley face, if you didn’t complete yours your spot remains blank. I wanted to have all three of us on the chart to show Ty that chores are not a form of punishment, rather that we are all working together to make our home lovely. There are rewards for 5 smiley faces in a row, and for 10 smilies we get to go out for dinner – CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!! What a treat! (Mostly for me hahaha!) But the best part, one of Tyler’s chores is to water the garden! So basically it’s a win win for me, I get some help around the house AND ensure my new garden stays healthy and hydrated. I mean, what is the point of having children if you can’t make them do shit for you!?!??! And hopefully I can teach my son something about responsibility and taking pride in where he lives in the process.

Teaching Children Respect Meme

I know a couple of grown-ass people whose parents should’ve been told this…

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I am Tyler’s RAGING Mother

So I was begging Jeffsta to help me with a topic this morning, but oh boy, I should have known. As long as there are stupid people on this planet I will always have plenty to talk about! I have a couple of pet peeves, namely (and in no particular order, they are all just as equally off pissing as the next):

  • Racism
  • Ignorance
  • Busy bodies who want to always know your business
  • People who do charitable things for the wrong reasons
  • Yorkies
  • and of course, IDIOTS WHO DON’T SECURE THEIR CHILDREN IN CARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess which of these I experienced on my way to work?!?!?!!? Here’s a picture of the stupid cow and her poor, poor child who’s well-being she obviously cares nothing about:

Irresponsible Parent with kid in car

If you know this woman, please rescue her child and bring him to me post haste!!

I. I Just. I. I don’t even know where to start!!!!!

I hate seeing kids standing between the front seats while their parents are talking on their phones, smoking and “driving”. But THIS… wow. I hate it when dogs are allowed to lounge on the backboards. I can understand why you’d let your Yorkie lounge on the backboard and “accidentally” slam on brakes every now and then in the hope that little thing turns into a fluff ball missile. But your CHILD!??! YOUR OWN CHILD?!?!!??! That you spent 9 months (technically 10) growing inside of you, who you loved even  before you met??? That one human being that you would sacrifice your life for if it would save them?? I just don’t understand why we don’t have an exam that people need to pass before they’re allowed to pro-create. Because THIS WOMAN:

Irresponsible Parent with kid in car

She would’ve definitely failed the “Are you fit to raise another human being?” test

should not have been allowed to have any in the first place!

Adoption is SUCH a lengthy and exhaustive process. Every bit of your personality, marriage and physical health is scrutinized and put on  public display for all to judge. Your values, your morals even what others think of you! Why? Because you are going to be responsible for the upbringing, caring and moulding of another human being! It should be the same for people who want to have biological children as well!

Now before you spew about “Why did you have your phone ready? You shouldn’t be fiddling with your phone while you drive!”. Yes I know that. And no I didn’t “have it ready”. I was following this woman for a couple of blocks, and when we stopped at the robots, I had to reach for my bag and rip it out. I do not call/text while I drive. People get annoyed because I refuse to answer messages or calls while I’m driving. It still surprises me the surprise in people’s voices when my answer to “where have you been?” is “I was driving!” Anyway, I’ve gone off topic.

Common sense says that if your child is not strapped in when you have an accident, they will turn into a “child missile” and just torpedo straight out through whichever window is nearest and be smeared all over the road. Tyler is still using his Booster Seat. First of all, he is a little kid. It is MY JOB to make sure that he is safe and protected at all times. Secondly, he does NOT dictate to me how we travel. He has always known, you can cry all you like. Spit and throw things, I don’t care, you WILL be strapped in. Tough luck buddy. “Oh I just didn’t feel like fighting” is not a good excuse in this case, and will not fly with me. Sure there are times when you pick your battles with your kids, but it should never, EVER be when it comes to the matter of their safety. Be an adult. Use your brain. Think of your child, instead of having an “easy” morning with them, teach them to be responsible and show them that you believe in what you say. They will end up respecting you more for it.

 

Oh boy…

Ah the excitement and thrill of young love. I’m sure you remember the first time you fell in love. The butterflies. The nerves. The terror. The horror to discover that you had obscenely large sweat patches the whole time you were chatting up the object of your affection. And of course, the shame you experienced the morning after you got so hammered that you got up on stage at open mic night and professed your undying love for that person. No, I don’t miss that at all! At least back then though, if you did something mortifying it was only known to the lucky few who happened to be in the vicinity, or if you were super lucky, just the two of you. But these days, within a matter of seconds that video/pic is uploaded to each and every social network and BOOM! All of a sudden your desperation and heartache has 1 987 469 980 284 views on YouTube and Ellen DeGeneres is calling you to do an exclusive.

drunk baby meme

Today’s new measure of social success

Relationships have changed so much with the advent of new technologies. You no longer have to spend your afternoons and weekends hanging around at home waiting for someone to call you on the home phone. Or driving by people’s houses to make sure they are all still alive and haven’t been wiped out by an explosion of some sort. I mean, why ELSE haven’t they called yet!?!?!?

Overly Attached Friends

Yes, I didn’t reply immediately because you’re the worst person in the world and I hate you. This is allllll about you.

Even friendships have changed. People get so pissy when they see that you’ve read a message but don’t immediately respond. Bitch, I’m BUSY! All of a sardine, if you’re not immediately available to everyone at all times it’s the biggest social snub. Um, no. I have my own family, my own commitments and my own things to do. I really don’t want to have to hear about it every time you have a bad hair day. And usually, the updates are so inane that I don’t actually think they warrant a response. But hey, that’s just me. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my S3, and the freedom of expression and information that the internet gives me. I could not live without it. I just want to be treated like a human, instead of a robot designed to immediately respond to your every message.

So what does this mean for the future generation and how they relate to each other? After an incredibly fun evening at Spur last night with a little friend from school who just happens to be a gorgeous little girl child, Tyler Bear brought up something I was excited and shocked to hear. His exact words were “Guys, I get nervous when I see a girl”.

O.

M.

G!!!!!!!!!

kids face paint

It appears my son has incredibly high standards when it comes to girls!

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!!? Three minutes ago he couldn’t stand the sight of girls and very pointedly told me once that “Listen Mom, girls play with girls and boys play with boys”. It was too sweet. And of course Jeffsta and I had to seriously hold in the “Awww cute Tyler you’re in looooooooove” teases and just tell him calmly that it is perfectly normal. I then asked him if he was extra nervous when the girl was very pretty, and the gorgeous thing shyly answered “yes”. How bloody amazing is that!??! My little boy has discovered that girls are more than just annoying creatures that nag you to stop making a mess and boss you around all the time. This got me thinking about my first crush and how times have changed since then. When the monkey is big enough, he’ll have a cell phone. We already have three computers (four if you count the RaspberryPi) in the house, nevermind our mobile devices and tablets. So chances are, he will have no problem chatting online or messaging the object of his affection in years time. Without the worry of sounding like a complete d-bag over the phone when he runs out of things to say or his voice cracks a little, it is going to be so much easier for him than it was for his daddy. BUT it will also be way more mortifying for him if something goes incredibly wrong. How do we, in today’s world, teach our children to keep private conversations just that… private. And how do we help them recover if their horrible, self-recorded video of them singing a terribly off-key love song goes viral and becomes the butt of the school’s jokes?

kids-with-cell-phones

Little Daisy couldn’t wait to tell everyone how David had tried to kiss her under the swing set

I guess the answer to that is still the same as what it would have been when I was that age. It is not just how your child sees themselves that you are responsible for. How they treat others is a reflection on you as well. Teach them respect. Respect for themselves and for others. Teach them love. For themselves and others. It is the most amazing and beautiful thing to see your child treat others with kindness, patience and respect. Think about how you would want to have been treated when you were putting your heart on the line. It is of course, the time that you are the most vulnerable. If you can get your children to understand and recognise this in other human beings, then I think (in my humble opinion) that you have done the planet a world of good. We need to remember that we are all just human beings. And the sooner we do, the better off we’ll be for it.

 

I am what I am

Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don’t judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.

– Madonna Ciccone

 

Beagle Sorry Face

If only I was this cute

Eek! I have to apologise, it’s been a while. I blame the hormones. Honestly. I was booked off the whole of last week because the hormone replacement therapy I have been on rendered me completely useless. You try writing an article while you’re suffering from a 10 day migraine, complete with nausea and shakes. It was like the worst, unforgiving, unrelenting morning sickness I have ever had. Without the payoff of knowing that in 9 months it will all be worth it when you see your baby’s gorgeous, alien shaped face. Believe me, the only baby I have in my belly is a food baby. As the Jeffsta so lovingly told me though, that’s no excuse for neglecting your blog. I should’ve had a post lined up in case of an emergency. So I do apologise, wholeheartedly (dripping with sarcasm) for not planning ahead. I promise it will never happen again.

So anyway, this whole week has made me realise that one very important part of a successful marriage is having a partner who will humour you no matter what the problem is. It is very difficult for any man to understand what it is like for a woman when she’s feeling hormonal. In my case, thankfully, there was physical evidence in the form of spew, magical carrots and all, that I wasn’t upto the task of mothering, wifing and just general human interaction on any level. But what do you do when you’ve just got a case of the “weepies” or you’re “raging” for no apparent reason? How is your partner/child/friend supposed to respond to the mania?

crazy women

We need to start spreading our crazy around, or we will be swallowed up by it

Well, it’s hard to say. Sometimes I prefer that the Jeffsta tells me I’m acting like a moron and other times I want him to cuddle me and feed me chocolate. It just depends on the mood I guess. It’s hard on the kids as well. Poor Ty has had to learn at a very early age how to circumvent my many, unpredictable mood swings. Of course, outsiders only see me playing the part of the happy, friendly and insanely witty hot piece of ass that I am, but at home it is often a lucky draw.  We are so used to emulating the perfect image to our friends and family. For fear of being judged as not good enough. But I think we need to start embracing the fact that we are not perfect, and our imperfections are what make us human. And they are what make others love us, for who we are.

So the next time you find you are holding in a tantrum, or a LOL, just let it out! It is much healthier to face your emotions head on. It makes dealing with them easier, for you and for your nearest and dearest. In conclusion, I’d like to say:

I am what I am

I am not perfect.
I cry.
I flap.
I scream.
I shout.
I laugh.
I sulk.
I love.
I smother.
I dote.
I am me.
I love me.