Giving up on the dream

What do you do when you can’t run that marathon you’ve been training for because you lose your legs in a terrible car accident? Do you compete in a wheelchair or do you just change direction completely and learn a new skill like playing the guitar? Who knows, you could turn out to be the next Jimi Hendrix. We can’t always get what we want. And sometimes, no matter how hard we work, the universe will prevent us from reaching that goal we’ve been working towards to test our strength to the limit. That’s life right? So what do we do when that happens? How do we cope? Do we a) give up b) find another way to get there or c) work with what we have left to achieve a different goal?

I’m not sure actually. To be honest, it’s hard to stay positive 100% of the time. Harder still when your circumstances are unique to you. You can confide in, cry to or shout at your partner, friends or family (or all of them) as much as you like. You will still feel alone.

Ovarian failure

Thank you Douchebag Uterus!

We recently discovered that I have premature ovulation failure. It sounds like some sort of mechanical problem my Peugeot experienced a couple months back. But basically, I’ve stopped ovulating and have been experiencing menopausal symptoms like hot flushes (dear god I’ll never tease you again Mom!), major mood swings, massive weight gain, migraines, nausea, high blood pressure and just all round misery. Hahahaha! God I sound like such a whiney cow. Anyway I’m on hormone replacement therapy now to try and kick start the ovaries and postpone any further premature decline into the dreaded “change”. My problem is the treatment is making me feel worse! It’s scary to think that my body has been so deprived of estrogen for so long that even the slightest increase renders me useless for about two days at a time.

In the meantime, I’ve had to deal with the emotional fallout of pretty much no longer being able to fulfill the only biological function I was bred for. Yes, yes I know. I am so lucky already. I have the most amazing little miracle boy and a wonderful hubby who loves me. And I am SO grateful for the boys and everything that they have brought into my life. But it still hurts. It’s a pretty psychologically draining thing to go through. I am a logical, rational person. I know that no longer being able to breed does not make me less of a woman/wife/mother. So why do I feel that way? I love and adore my son, yet I still feel this great sense of loss at never having a screaming match with my teenage daughter because she is dressed like a slag. Most days I am perfectly fine with not having to worry about getting knocked up again. It is a bit of a relief actually. I was NOT a happy pregnant person. It didn’t help that I am only 1,5m tall and put on the equivalent weight of a Fiat Uno. But I still feel cheated that I will not feel another life growing in my belly again.

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I am a control freak and I have no problem admitting that. I plan things WAY in advance. I have an app for everything. I can plan a six month project on my phone, while getting a bikini wax. But I don’t have an application or program that can help me deal with this. Is the reason that I have been finding this so hard because the choice has been taken away from me? Is that all that it is? If I had had an app that could schedule my menopause, that would have been ideal.

I guess what this experience has taught me, is cherish what you have NOW. Life really does happen while you’re making other plans. Stop thinking about how you’re going to travel the world when you’re thirty. That may never happen, leave now! Learn that language. Climb that mountain. Live your life. Don’t let it pass you by. You only get this one chance so don’t screw it up waiting for better days!

Despite all the dreariness of this post, there is a beacon of hope. My boobs have never been bigger or better!


10 thoughts on “Giving up on the dream

  1. Sorry to hear you won’t be making any more Tylers… you really made a perfect little guy there! …but congrats on the boobs. Hope the symptoms (but not the boobs) get less! x

    • It just makes my little guy all the more special 😉 And makes me really appreciate the time I have with him even more x And yes, I hope that I get to keep my boobs too, I can actually feel them bounce when I walk which is a totally new sensation! HAHAHAHA! 😉

  2. Candice…firstly welcome to the blogisphere…or the ‘sphere’ if you’ve been here a while 🙂 This is certainly a change from the rough-and-tumble manly stuff I read like Wilbur Smith and 50 Shades of Grey, but I thank you for letting us men behind the female curtain, so to speak. It’s the same reason you’ll suspiciously find a Cosmo in a bachelor’s bathroom. Study thine enemy, my father always used to say 🙂 I don’t know what to say about the child bearing issue as I am completely out of my manly depth there (and men will never understand that stuff anyway), but keep writing madame! How else will I stay sneakily clued up enough about women’s issues to sound interesting in a bar?

    • Why thank you DAHling *bows* LOL Send me a list of topics/questions you have and I’ll do my best to answer them 🙂 That would actually make a great article… We should totally collaborate! x

  3. Awe, that sucks. I find the procreating thing quite the conundrum too … We spend so many years trying NOT to get pregnant and then only discover if we can or can’t when we want to. I’m still waiting to test out my ovaries, hoping I haven’t waited too long. But I was waiting for the right boy ( who has arrived ❤ ). Next year May is when I'll start trying to find out what my body can do. Fingers crossed. Have spent a lot of time trying to prepare myself in case nothing happens too … it's a scary thing.


    • I’m so glad the right boy has come along! 😉 It definitely helps when your partner is supportive. I’m holding all my thumbs and toes for you, everything will turn out the way it is supposed to. And if it doesn’t, it just means your story isn’t over xxx

  4. You know staying positive 100% of the time is impossible. We all listen in awe of these people who have life changing tragedy’s in their life and turn it around and do something awesome. We all sit back mouths open and think WOW ‘i hope i can be like that’. To quote an old cliche, “When life gives you lemons, Make lemonade!”
    But the truth is Life isn’t like that or that simple. Those people who do something truly outstanding are wonderful role models for us all to aspire to. But sometimes we concentrate to much on the end result and forget about the journey those people took to get there. Candice your journey, a new chapter in your life has begun. It has perhaps not began on the best note…or not as you planned it. You should not feel bad about feeling down, lonely, inadequate…you need to travel this journey and part of that is feeling down. After all how can you ever hope to pick yourself up if you don’t have anything to scrape off the floor.

    Keep strong and dont feel guilty about feeling down, or wallowing in a bit of self pity, I think you need to feel that to come out strong and appreciative on the other side. As time goes on, a new dream will form and the old dream will seem less and less significant…

    By the way, You might not feel great in yourself at the moment but to some of us you are already that person you aspire to be…You inspire me Candice Jenkinson!

    • Thank you for the encouraging and inspiring words :* Reminds me of the lyrics from a Ray LaMontagne song:

      "Don't let your eyes refuse to see
      Don't let your ears refuse to hear
      Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness"

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